Breathe...

Sometimes I have to remember that life is about breathing. I know that sounds so primary, but at the core of it all, it's just about breathings...taking slow breaths during the happy, wonderful times and just soaking everything in and enjoying it all, and then trying not to hypervenilate during the times when you just want to collapse into a ball and roll into the corner. As women bringing children into the world, we're reminded that everything will go so much easier and less painful if we make a concious decision to breathe, because at times the pain is so great we can't think of anything else. At other times, we're reminded to breathe because we're holding our breath like a little child at Christmas... waiting to rush to the tree and discover all the gifts waiting there. We tear through them without taking a rest, and then at that moment of exhalation when we're through, we look around with complete disbelief, wondering where that time went to and looking forward to it again with desperate anticipation, only to sit in the midst of the letdown.

At this point, I've taken a breath and I'm just submerged in cold water. Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming against the current, struggling to just keep up and other times I'm in the midst of the waterfall, plummeting faster than the water.

I suppose I shouldn't be so dramatic...Easter has been a tough time of year for me for a while now, and especially now that Mike is gone. I've said many times that Mike teaches me how to breathe--to take one moment at a time and not get ahead of myself, and I feel like I'm relearning that lesson every day. I honestly feel myself catching my breath sometimes--it's just gotten that literal. A lot of people have told me they're upset with me for NOT calling them to help. What am I supposed to call them for? The mundane? The everyday? I get that these people want to be helpful and I understand that. They ARE helpful--just by telling me that. In all honesty, I just manage to do the everyday stuff and handle things as they come my way. If I can't handle trying to fix my microwave, if I get too dependent on people, then I think I'll become rather bored. I need challenges to keep me occupied--to keep my mind busy. Mike says he's working a lot because otherwise he'd sleep all the time he's off. That, I understand. You have to keep yourself busy--your mind busy--in order to not lose your mind.

In doing that, I do remind myself to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Today marks 5 weeks and 1 day...I think. 5 weeks, 1 day less...only a lot more to go.

Breathing...