The Baby Test

In the past year, six of my sweet girlfriends have had six--sweet baby girls--all girls! In the next three months, there will be three First Birthday Parties--one each for Lilian Ashleigh, Kylie Eliza, and Makailyn Thea. Then later on this year, our little group will celebrate the First Birthdays of Laynee Adele, Eden Avery, and my sweet Ruby Eileen. In addition to THAT, there will be Savannah Katherine's second birthday, and all our the little boys...there are three, no four of them! We are so blessed to have our amazing friends, and it got me thinking how perhaps we should all have taken the following test BEFORE the one that gives the two blue lines, because this is the best darn estimation of what the first years of having a child are truly like (minus the beautiful little gummy grins, the sweet smell of their little heads, those little chubby arms reaching up from the crib and SO many others...)
(Oh...and at least two other babies will be born this year in our group!!) Note to self: don't drink the water!!
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Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...Naturally, one must multiply these by the number of children you have, if you're a multiple Mommy!

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.